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Nov. 9th, 2023 01:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zenolaliaA while back I went and re read an ancient diary entry of mine. One of the oldest surviving ones I have. I keep thinking about it.
I hate that nothing has changed since then.
It was about Israel. Of course it was. They dominate my life at a crossroads so vanishingly few people can understand. Vanished by them. Vanished by the US through them.
My family are Lebanese, you know. "Phoenician, not Arab!" my father used to say. Arab is a colonial term. Making anyone understand that is impossible. He gave up when I was young. I'll give up soon, younger than he did. I'm out of energy.
It's hard to describe watching your people be exterminated. The Israeli government acting on US and EU authority has driven to extinction entire species of wildlife. That's how they see us, too. A species of animal to make extinct. And I, the lucky pest that was exported to infest the new world.
I hate it and yet I'm grateful my father moved us in with the people doing the extermination, because I'm safe, safe, safe here in my poverty hovel as I starve to death for lack of $800 a month because no one will hire an Ethnic Sounding Name. Thank fuck for my white friends with their money willing to help me, because I have none of my own. But how miserable to like on the stretched thin kindness of others.
I'm so tired of living like this. Collapsing society and all that. But it's sickening and strange to watch a genocide that should be coming for me, and realize I got the Easy Option. That <em>just living like this</em>... I'm the lucky one.
What a nightmare world we live in.
I hate that nothing has changed since then.
It was about Israel. Of course it was. They dominate my life at a crossroads so vanishingly few people can understand. Vanished by them. Vanished by the US through them.
My family are Lebanese, you know. "Phoenician, not Arab!" my father used to say. Arab is a colonial term. Making anyone understand that is impossible. He gave up when I was young. I'll give up soon, younger than he did. I'm out of energy.
It's hard to describe watching your people be exterminated. The Israeli government acting on US and EU authority has driven to extinction entire species of wildlife. That's how they see us, too. A species of animal to make extinct. And I, the lucky pest that was exported to infest the new world.
I hate it and yet I'm grateful my father moved us in with the people doing the extermination, because I'm safe, safe, safe here in my poverty hovel as I starve to death for lack of $800 a month because no one will hire an Ethnic Sounding Name. Thank fuck for my white friends with their money willing to help me, because I have none of my own. But how miserable to like on the stretched thin kindness of others.
I'm so tired of living like this. Collapsing society and all that. But it's sickening and strange to watch a genocide that should be coming for me, and realize I got the Easy Option. That <em>just living like this</em>... I'm the lucky one.
What a nightmare world we live in.
