I'mn trying not to think about the scathing hatred the rest of my family would spew on me if I refused: in the end, I ran off to another state and I've successfully separated my life from theirs entirely. They can't do anything to me.
But I can certainly do things to myself. And while I am working on the unhealthy thought patterns, the self-blame and the guilt, the panic attacks that guilt induces, etc etc... The fact is, I'm not mentally healthy enough to actually internalize that the "spiteful child" trope does not apply. And I know enough about myself and my tendencies towards self-harm and self-punishment that I do think, genuinely, that refusing to contact her will have psychological consequences that I'm not ready to deal with.
The question, though, is would the consequences of contacting her be lesser or more manageable than the consequences of ignoring her.
And that's the one I don't have an answer for, unfortunately.
I'm going to head to bed and see if maybe things don't make a little more sense when I'm not sleep-deprived, but thank you for this comment. You have such insight into things, and considering this question has definitely helped me process this entire... mess.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-10-22 03:37 am (UTC)But I can certainly do things to myself. And while I am working on the unhealthy thought patterns, the self-blame and the guilt, the panic attacks that guilt induces, etc etc... The fact is, I'm not mentally healthy enough to actually internalize that the "spiteful child" trope does not apply. And I know enough about myself and my tendencies towards self-harm and self-punishment that I do think, genuinely, that refusing to contact her will have psychological consequences that I'm not ready to deal with.
The question, though, is would the consequences of contacting her be lesser or more manageable than the consequences of ignoring her.
And that's the one I don't have an answer for, unfortunately.
I'm going to head to bed and see if maybe things don't make a little more sense when I'm not sleep-deprived, but thank you for this comment. You have such insight into things, and considering this question has definitely helped me process this entire... mess.