You really don't owe her anything, including a conversation on her self-imposed deathbed. She owes you a long list of reparations, and her fatally neglecting her own care does not even that score.
This may not work the same way for you as it did for me, but when I was first cutting off contact with my mom it helped me to ask myself "ungrateful for *what*", and compare the basic parental obligations my mom should have fulfilled to the frivolous "mom feels guilty for her last outburst" showy gifts she'd give to absolve herself. It helped the examples that I knew my relatives would pull out as proof that she was a Good Mom Trying Her Best and that she deserved infinite chances to hurt me & my siblings again to ring hollow so they couldn't get in my head over it.
Sometimes I feel like it was too easy to convince myself I am in the right and that's actually proof that I'm a Bad Child (TM), but most days having a distinct list of parental failures to wave at the brain gremlins helps.
Still, it doesn't sound like you have anything to say to her, or like there is a real hope of her giving you even the smallest apology for anything she's ever done- my impulse would be to stay away, or if you can't rest easy with that decision, to go, flip the script by telling her that this is her last chance to make things right with you (because her dying first does not make her not in the wrong), and if she refused to apologize for anything she's done even when confronting her own mortality, leave.
You'll have done everything that could be asked of a diligent child by giving her her last chance to make things right, and it won't be your fault if she fails.
I can't calculate for what kind of damage confronting her directly like that could do, but it's one possibility for trying to appease the ungrateful child accusations without pretending that your mom was anything other than what she was.
Whatever else you do, try to take care of yourself. I'd say I hope you're ok, but that makes no sense. So. I hope things get better as quickly as they can.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-10-27 02:00 pm (UTC)This may not work the same way for you as it did for me, but when I was first cutting off contact with my mom it helped me to ask myself "ungrateful for *what*", and compare the basic parental obligations my mom should have fulfilled to the frivolous "mom feels guilty for her last outburst" showy gifts she'd give to absolve herself. It helped the examples that I knew my relatives would pull out as proof that she was a Good Mom Trying Her Best and that she deserved infinite chances to hurt me & my siblings again to ring hollow so they couldn't get in my head over it.
Sometimes I feel like it was too easy to convince myself I am in the right and that's actually proof that I'm a Bad Child (TM), but most days having a distinct list of parental failures to wave at the brain gremlins helps.
Still, it doesn't sound like you have anything to say to her, or like there is a real hope of her giving you even the smallest apology for anything she's ever done- my impulse would be to stay away, or if you can't rest easy with that decision, to go, flip the script by telling her that this is her last chance to make things right with you (because her dying first does not make her not in the wrong), and if she refused to apologize for anything she's done even when confronting her own mortality, leave.
You'll have done everything that could be asked of a diligent child by giving her her last chance to make things right, and it won't be your fault if she fails.
I can't calculate for what kind of damage confronting her directly like that could do, but it's one possibility for trying to appease the ungrateful child accusations without pretending that your mom was anything other than what she was.
Whatever else you do, try to take care of yourself. I'd say I hope you're ok, but that makes no sense. So. I hope things get better as quickly as they can.
*Edited to fix typo