Yeah. I can't speak to any specifics of what you're talking about, but I'd had similar experiences of understanding myself through other kinds of people.
Ever since I first discovered it when I was around 11, I've written and read a lot of slash fanfiction. As a teenager this lead to my discovery of many parts of the LGBT+ community, where I also tried to contribute as actively as I could, and which felt like the most comfortable place for me. As I identified as bi (and cis), that all seemed to make perfect sense.
But as time went on, it became more and more clear that I was actually on the asexual spectrum. I was scared of that for a lot of reasons, so it took a lonnnng time to admit that I wasn't just full bi. And then, even worse, I came to realise that I might actually be aro/ace. I HATED the idea of this with every fiber of my being. It felt so lonely and awful and like I was destined to be miserable and alone forever (not to mention that I was finding it really hard to find work at the time and was super scared how I'd manage to support myself without a partner).
Unfortunately, I had that revelation riiight around the beginning of the ace discourse. Which also coincided with the rise of antis and fujoshi discourse.
Suddenly I was second guessing everything. Why was I spending all my time thinking and writing about gay/bi men when I wasn't either? Did that actually make me a terrible appropriative fetishising straight piece of shit?
To some extent, I still don't know exactly why I tend to be drawn to those stories. (Partly, I think it really is just lack of complex, interesting f/f relationships that aren't already canon.) But the fact is, I could relate to a lot of it. The feeling of not fitting in with the majority? Of knowing that people around you want you to do something, but you can't? That they specifically want you to get into a nice pretty heterosexual family that will make them look good to the neighbours? Of trying to make yourself feel something and failing? Of wondering if you're even capable of romantic love or attraction? all of these were my experiences.
But writing about gay/bi people is easier, because it didn't hit quite so close to home. I could still imagine a happy ending that was counter mainstream but didn't feel like giving up. I could still imagine someone else understanding and caring about me above everyone else. For me, it was still too hard to see that when it came to being ace and aro.
As for why it was usually men? Partly the same deal - I know I'm supposed to relate to women, so it's especially jarring when I can't. Reading about cis women having sex in particular made me more and more self-conscious about my own asexuality.
Not to mention that I have also realised over time that I likely have ADHD inattentive, and while I think I'm probably not autistic, I definitely relate to those experiences a lot. And there's a LOT to that a big part is how it makes wlw spaces not comfortable for me: part of the reason I don't especially relate to women is that most women are neurotypical! But the current feminist politics on tumblr leans heavily into 'women are all BEST FRIENDS who HAVE EACH OTHER'S BACKS, don't be #notliketheothergirls, men are all bad because they never do chores and aren't emotionally available' (neither of which I'm great at either? :/) so... wlw spaces are sometimes rly uncomfortable to me right now because I don't feel that innate female bonding and attraction and then feel guilty and feminist because of it.
AND: part of ADHD for me is that I'm just... super self-conscious 24/7 around other people. I'm constantly trying to stamp down on my weird traits and just be Normal, even though ordinary conversation and ways of hanging out are really tiring and difficult for me. But I honestly have never seen this properly expressed in fiction? Usually neurodivergent characters are portrayed as not caring if they look or act weird, and female neurodivergent characters are just rare altogether. Instead, I found these feelings were way better depicted in stories about people feeling ashamed of their own queerness, and in stories about men dealing with toxic masculinity and finding it hard to express themselves.
So tl;dr, growing up I had these feelings of difference but found a way to deal with them in a way that was healthy and productive - I actually have helped out with several different LGBT+ activist things! But this whole idea that you're only supposed to write about people like yourself really fucked me up, because that wasn't what I needed at the time, and in fact might well only hurt me more than anything. But as usual tumblr decided that rhetoric is the only thing that matters, not real-world consequences, and you're only entitled to do something that goes beyond that extremely narrow view of acceptable behaviour as long as you can write up three full essays of intricately detailed and analysed information as to why, yes, you do actually Need it. :/
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-11-03 05:08 am (UTC)Ever since I first discovered it when I was around 11, I've written and read a lot of slash fanfiction. As a teenager this lead to my discovery of many parts of the LGBT+ community, where I also tried to contribute as actively as I could, and which felt like the most comfortable place for me. As I identified as bi (and cis), that all seemed to make perfect sense.
But as time went on, it became more and more clear that I was actually on the asexual spectrum. I was scared of that for a lot of reasons, so it took a lonnnng time to admit that I wasn't just full bi. And then, even worse, I came to realise that I might actually be aro/ace. I HATED the idea of this with every fiber of my being. It felt so lonely and awful and like I was destined to be miserable and alone forever (not to mention that I was finding it really hard to find work at the time and was super scared how I'd manage to support myself without a partner).
Unfortunately, I had that revelation riiight around the beginning of the ace discourse. Which also coincided with the rise of antis and fujoshi discourse.
Suddenly I was second guessing everything. Why was I spending all my time thinking and writing about gay/bi men when I wasn't either? Did that actually make me a terrible appropriative fetishising straight piece of shit?
To some extent, I still don't know exactly why I tend to be drawn to those stories. (Partly, I think it really is just lack of complex, interesting f/f relationships that aren't already canon.) But the fact is, I could relate to a lot of it. The feeling of not fitting in with the majority? Of knowing that people around you want you to do something, but you can't? That they specifically want you to get into a nice pretty heterosexual family that will make them look good to the neighbours? Of trying to make yourself feel something and failing? Of wondering if you're even capable of romantic love or attraction? all of these were my experiences.
But writing about gay/bi people is easier, because it didn't hit quite so close to home. I could still imagine a happy ending that was counter mainstream but didn't feel like giving up. I could still imagine someone else understanding and caring about me above everyone else. For me, it was still too hard to see that when it came to being ace and aro.
As for why it was usually men? Partly the same deal - I know I'm supposed to relate to women, so it's especially jarring when I can't. Reading about cis women having sex in particular made me more and more self-conscious about my own asexuality.
Not to mention that I have also realised over time that I likely have ADHD inattentive, and while I think I'm probably not autistic, I definitely relate to those experiences a lot. And there's a LOT to that a big part is how it makes wlw spaces not comfortable for me: part of the reason I don't especially relate to women is that most women are neurotypical! But the current feminist politics on tumblr leans heavily into 'women are all BEST FRIENDS who HAVE EACH OTHER'S BACKS, don't be #notliketheothergirls, men are all bad because they never do chores and aren't emotionally available' (neither of which I'm great at either? :/) so... wlw spaces are sometimes rly uncomfortable to me right now because I don't feel that innate female bonding and attraction and then feel guilty and feminist because of it.
AND: part of ADHD for me is that I'm just... super self-conscious 24/7 around other people. I'm constantly trying to stamp down on my weird traits and just be Normal, even though ordinary conversation and ways of hanging out are really tiring and difficult for me. But I honestly have never seen this properly expressed in fiction? Usually neurodivergent characters are portrayed as not caring if they look or act weird, and female neurodivergent characters are just rare altogether. Instead, I found these feelings were way better depicted in stories about people feeling ashamed of their own queerness, and in stories about men dealing with toxic masculinity and finding it hard to express themselves.
So tl;dr, growing up I had these feelings of difference but found a way to deal with them in a way that was healthy and productive - I actually have helped out with several different LGBT+ activist things! But this whole idea that you're only supposed to write about people like yourself really fucked me up, because that wasn't what I needed at the time, and in fact might well only hurt me more than anything. But as usual tumblr decided that rhetoric is the only thing that matters, not real-world consequences, and you're only entitled to do something that goes beyond that extremely narrow view of acceptable behaviour as long as you can write up three full essays of intricately detailed and analysed information as to why, yes, you do actually Need it. :/