Shameless Cashgrab (Complimentary): A Space Jam Legacy Liveblog

[zenolalia]

This post has been heavily editted for cross platform posting. The original draft is located at the end but the primary difference is that I was having a psychological meltdown at the time of notation.

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Please join me on this liveblog/review/commentary track for the recently released Space Jam Legacy, a blatant attempt to suction money out of the pockets of the exhausted and broken masses instead of actually doing anything useful with these properties, or better yet, releasing them into the public domain for the rest of us to enjoy why you use your big budgets and extreme technical skills to create new things, boundary pushing things.

 

Except for the part where actually the movie is a love song to the days of being 6 years old and hype as FUCK to watch a GODDAMN CARTOON.

Alright alright alright! The beginning of this film is a shot for shot recreation of the original and I can respect that because it was a dumb cute move then and it’s a dumb cute move now okay it’s just fucking cute. Sometimes you just want to see a small child overcoming adversity with the support of his community and family, and then grow up to help his own small child do the same, god damn it!

Oh no am I the target audience of this movie?

Oh man oh no I think I am the target audience.

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Okay I’m the target audience I remember getting that exact fucking speech in like 2002 about how you can’t spend all your time on dumb hobbies because you have an entire universe out to fucking ream your ass, and you have One Shot to burn them to the fucking ground and plant a new field in the ashes.

So I guess I like this movie now or whatever, since it was basically hand made for me as an individual.

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Shit the opening credits are bomb as hell? Fuck dude it’s gonna be really insulting when the rest of this film doesn’t live up to the rich visual promise of the opening. Fuck!!

Oh well, life is short, enjoy your neon basketball credit sequences while you can!

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So is the premise this time that he’s going to be sucked into a video game universe not a cartoon one? Or are video game continuities part of the greater looniverse now?

I like this either way.

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Ohohoho the generational divide between the sports dad and the arts child is so fucking good here. I mean it’s bad, but in the way a cheeseburger from a shitty diner is bad: the way where that makes it good, actually.

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Aww, the mom knows that this is a problem. Don’t worry, ma’am! Your husband is going to have a life altering experience later today that will fundamentally change the way he sees himself and the way he interacts with his family, allowing him to function as a supportive parent to ALL of his children not just the one that acts the most like him. The long abandonment is over soon, ma’am!

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This is so far honestly nailing the weird real world family drama sub plot better, though, again, it was the LOWEST fucking bar.

OH MAN IT IS JUST SO DISGUSTINGLY CLUMSY AND AWKWARD BUT SHIT MAN I’VE BEEN ENCHANTED!!!!! Charmed!!! Hypnotized by the fey magics of actual fucking colour richness in a major studio film.

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Oh fuck I forgot about this being a space jam movie. Oh god we’re going into the Warner lot. Oh lord I’m having Animaniacs flashbacks.

Okay sure this is fine this will be fine.

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EYYYYY DON CHEADLE!!! I didn’t know you were in this!! Good, you deserve the chance to ham this the FUCK UP. I fucking love seeing this man on screen, he has THE EXPRESSIONS that I so richly deserve to see.

Wait is Don Cheadle the internet?

OH MY GOD IS HE AN A.I.??? I LOVE THIS

I AM IN LOVE WITH ALGORITHM DON CHEADLE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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THIS IS ACTUALLY DOING BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL WHICH AGAIN DOES NOT MAKE IT GOOD IT MAKES IT AT BEST A FUN WEEKEND B MOVIE TO BITCH AT BUT LIKE HEY! I FEEL THE KIND OF SUGAR RUSH THAT ONLY CHILDREN’S MEDIA AND ITS UTTER DISREGARD FOR SUCH THINGS AS SANITY AND LIMITATION CAN PROVIDE!!!!

COME ON AND SLAM! AND WELCOME TO THE JAM!!!! Man I miss the Swag Once-ler. I should get those sunglasses. Stay stupid, baby~

My GF has paused for a restroom break while I make cookies and I have finished making cookies but I remain paused and am slowly going mad from a combination of isolation, cannabis, and staring at the neon echo of the WB logo while a teeny tiny Don Cheadle hovers in front of it like every beautiful vapourwave dream I have ever had, made manifest in our so vulgar world

It is a giant microwaveable sugar cookie and it cost me $0.39 US. Highly recommended.

Boy this liveblog has sure gone some weird places. You can really tell I’m uninsured and unmedicated even though I should have insurance through COBRA except my disgusting piece of shit bitch of an ex boss never sent me my COBRA papers and I just. I just am.

I’m so tired.

This movie is fun in a world of exhaustion. Maybe we’re all just too tired to have fun anymore.

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Don Cheadle is a national treasure and the way he decided (and it was clearly a conscious decision let’s all understand that) to pronounce “serververse” in this movie is so fucking GOOD you have to underSTAND

God yes ham it up my dude ham it the FUCK UP you AND your little 3D sperm assistant!!!!! I mean, seriously. Fucking. Sperm assistant. Love that, what kind of a fuckin looney tune said, “let’s make Don Cheadle an algorithm and make his assistant a 3D animated sperm computer”…

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BRO WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SUPERGENIUS IS THIS CHILD???? HOLY SHIT??? MAGNIFICENT!!!

Oh no I am the target audience the dab thing is just me I literally did that earlier TODAY oh no oh god I’m exactly the kind of cringe lord I always knew I would be growing up, but shame is for people with houses and jobs. I need every scrap of joy I can fucKING SCABBLE TOGETHER AND THIS MOVIE IS A GODDAMN JACKPOT.

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CARTOON DON CHEADLE IS EVEN BETTER??????????

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I AM SO GLAD IT ACTUALLY IS LIVING UP TO THE VISUAL SPECTACLE PROMISED BY THE OPENING SEQUENCE!!! Y’ALL SET THAT BAR REAL HIGH BUT YOU’RE FOLLOWING THE FUCK THROUGH EYYYYYYY

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I can’t believe I actually like this fucking movie. I liked the fucking gogdamn sonic movie too. What have I fucking become?

Whatever. I guess this is what I live like now.

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FUCK THOUGH THE DESIGNS ARE SO FUCKING GOOD. THE SPECTACLE IS SPECTACULAR!!!!

God the acting is so like. Bizarre. Everyone sitting at this conference table talking about the world’s most obvious image rights scam, and every single person on stage is turned all the way up to 11 for a bland ass conference call I just. I fucking LOVE THIS SO MUCH. How many drugs were each of these actors on? None, probably! I cannot shake the feeling that everyone here is just fucking THRILLED to be involved in this WILD SHIT.

OH GOD DON CHEADLE IS SO. EVERYONE IS SO GOOD. ALL OF THESE ACTORS ARE SO FUCKING WILD!!!!!!!!

OHHHHHHH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD, LEBRON JAMES YOUR ACTING IS THE WILDEST OF ALL SDKJFHKSJDHFKSJDHF EVERYONE ELSE IS SO FUCKING INTENSE AND HAMMY AND LEBRON IS JUST.

DAMN DUDE I GUESS THAT SURE IS LEBRON JAMES???????

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This is fucking amazing. This fucking visual feast. I’m so angry that it’s like. It’s gorgeous this disgusts me I love it. You know when you see a kitten and it overloads your brain’s ability to process the cuteness so you tip into this bizarre rage where it’s so CUTE you just want to FUCKING KILL IT (this is because the flood of Feeling Of Thing is too much and sets of threat detection brains are so good and dumb).

This movie is exactly that, only for vapourwave bullshit instead of kittens.

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Oh man I’m A L I V E this is the FUCKING FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I FUCKING LOVE THIS OH MY GOD

I was really worried watching this was going to make me so unbelievably angry and worse for wear but nah bro, nah. They are all ALIVE. This movie truly respects the fucking legacy of the THE SLAM and the JAM. YOU GOTTA SLAM!!!!! IF YOU WANT TO JAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The GF, while raising tea dramatically in proclamation. “Everyone is having a ball. A basket ball.” Punctuated by a long sip.

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Fuck dude FUCK dude the fucking. They just got sucked into the computer world and shit. Oh fuck. The visuals. Oh my god. The delivery. The walk cycle. The transformation sequence. “The computer’s black./I can see that.” I love this. I am alive. Thank you whatever dumb fucking nostalgia feeding pop culture beast that looked upon me and said, “this one’s for you, kid”

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Al G Rhythm. What a fucking name.

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KAJDHFSKJD Al G. wanted LeBron to be taller so he shrank hIMSELF I LOVE THAT

EVERY SINGLE DECISION BEING MADE HERE IS GOLD WHO WROTE THAT WHO MADE THAT CALL YOU ARE A FUCKING SUPER GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!

NOT ONLY DOES IT RESPECT THE SLAM AND THE JAM

IT RESPECTS THE LOONACY AND THE TOONERY

God I’m so scared the introduction of the actual Known Toons is going to ruin it.

BUT SHIT DUDE THEY’RE DOING PRETTY GREAT SO FAR SO HERE’S TO HOPE BABYYYYYYYYYYYY

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Oh my god does he have to play his son’s game on fucking twitch or else the kid fucking dies

This is some NEXT LEVEL ASS SHIT

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Al G Rhythm’s name thing is making me insane this is so wild I’m just. I’m ascendant!!!!!

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Oh my god the constant barrage of comedic jabs I’m losing it this is so many jokes per minute the fucking DENSITY, it’s a nonstop slew, it’s puns and visuals and callbacks left right and center, what the fuck there’s so MUCH.

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WHY ARE THE RED AND BLUE PILLS DANCING IN A TESLA COIL

WHAT IS HAPPENING

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I LOVE THIS FUCKING DUMB WILD ASS  FUCK OF A MOVE IT JUST!!!! IT JUST COMMITTED SO HARD!!!

OH MY GOD I CAN’T BREATHE HOLY SHIT

THE HAM

I CAN FEEL MY CHOLESTEROL GOING UP BUT IT’S WORTH IT

BASKETBALL MUSHROOM CLOUD!!! NIKE CRATER!!!!

I UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING DUMB THESE GAGS ARE BUT YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND THE DENSITY!!!

IT TOOK YOU LONGER TO READ THIS SENTENCE THAT TO EXPERIENCE THE ENTIRE SEQUENCE OF THE LAST LIKE 25 LINES I JUST. THE SPEED.

This movie is good and I am disgusted by it but also FUCK YEAH

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Bro this is good actually? The animation budget is buck ass wild! Animation as a fucking artform artform has evolved so much in the last 30 years!!

Like FUCK, dude, holy SHIT the OG looney tunes fucking WISHES it had this kind of money to throw around and get this many hands making this many fine decisions.

Obviously, some of it suffers from the Too Many Tweens/Frames issue that makes it too smooth but honestly, the stretch and squash is pretty solid.

I remain terribly worried re 3D renders of classic characters but as you can see, the span of things I have left to worry about has dramatically shrunk for a movie that is only generously 25% complete.

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Fuck dude the lusciousness of these classic 2D styled backgrounds.

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LeBron James’s immediate and absolute faith in Bugs Bunny, cultural icon and kindly trickster goddess since his own youth, is delightful. I’m alive.

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Oh, I see that, much like myself, Bugs too has gone insane from the isolatio–

OH MY GOD THAT JOKE

THIS SLAPSTICK

LORD A MIGHTY THIS IS SOME GOOD SHIT

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BUGS BUNNY KNOWS WHO LEBRON JAMES IS WHY IS THAT SO FUCKING FUNNY I HAVE NO IDEA I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING I HAVE SO SORELY MISSED SEROTONIN

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This is amazing.

I love this actually wow. I was so worried but nah it’s great in fact.

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Oh god oh my god this is so good this is so good I just

This is wild are they– Wait did they MOVE INTO OTHER PROPERTIES TO VACATION OR RETIRE????

This is LITERALLY the ENTIRE PREMISE of six flags theme parks. Just.

With SO MUCH LSD

Like. The right amount though. The correct amount of LSD.

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I love that in this setting there just. Is the old space jam too. Like, original space jam exists but it isn’t relevant to the continuity of this film so it doesn’t mat–

OH NO I WAS WRITING THAT SENTENCE AND THEN BUGS BUNNY LOOKED AT THE CAMERA AND COMMENTED ON THIS EXACT THING.

THE FILM IS LITERALLY TALKING. TO ME.

Hate that for me.

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GOD THE VISUAL GAGS JUST KEEP GOING AND GOING BUT LIKE THE PERFECT AMOUNT BECAUSE THEY ARE SO GODDAMN FAST

This film is not measured in jokes per minute. No, it’s measured in jokes per second!!!

The comedic timing! The visual design! THE DIFFERENT ART STYLES BEING OFTEN CLUMSILY AND YET STRANGELY BEAUTIFULLY MESHED!!!

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Love you pete (pete is the sperm P.A.)

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Oh fuck that animorph effect from Don Cheadle to LeBron James was good as shit??? There weren’t even any fucky in between frames of eldritch horror lads that’s. This is a movie made for frame by framing and I don’t really know how I feel about that.

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What the fuck. TRINITY SHOULD BE IN BASKETBALL!!!! YOU ARE RIGHT LEBRON JAMES!!!!!

(Haha Trinity should be in basketball because A) she’s a butch lesbian that’s all basketball IS FOR, and B) as we all know HRT is hell on your muscles and Neo is too busy transitioning to participate but she will of course be in the stands cheering for her best girl)

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OH MY G O D this is the exact kind of DC content for kids that I love: taking the piss out of DC content for adults, while still vibing and having fun. “It’s DC! Where there’s trouble, there’s superheroes!” BUGS YOU ARE RIGHT AS ALWAYS!!

Oh shit I hope it’s real super man that saved– OH FUCK YEAH IT’S REAL SUPER MAN THAT SAVED THE PLANE!!!!!

FUCK YEAH! FUCK YEAH!!!!!! GIMME THAT SWEET SWEET PAYOFF YOU FUCKS!!!!!

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ARE THEY IN MAD MAX FURY ROAD IS THAT A WB PROPERTY HOLY SHIT GOD WHAT EXACTLY PROPERTIES DOES WB OWN I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW

I understand that this is just the exact art monopolies destroying all semblance of culture that I normally rail against but fuck dude I’m so tired I just.

I just wanna see Wile E Coyote and the Roadrunner in mad max.

It’s right.

It’s good.

I deserve this.

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Oh god this is actually the montage I saw on twitter. The one that compelled me inexorably to watch this movie so that I could experience what a horror, what a trainwreck, what a travesty it would be.

And it’s like. The art is exactly as bad as I remember for the mixed 2d/real actor scenes, but christ. Oh christ. In its full context it’s just so fucking. It’s so fucking much like it’s bad but it’s so. It’s so COMMITTED to the BIT. I don’t know how to even. Process. I.

I literally warned my girlfriend about this Casa Blanca scene like 7 times and I don’t.

Neither of us could possibly be ready.

Oh my god.

This isn’t a movie.

This is an experience.

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You know what. Foghorn Leghorn IS the only thing that can redeem the whole Danaerys issue.

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So. Okay. I wondered who they were gonna have in Matrix world. Like, obviously the studio is using this as a way to build hype for Resurrections because otherwise the sheer quantity of matrix stuff is weird. So, I figured they would like… have. Well. I don’t know what exactly I expected, but I didn’t expect.

I never would have guessed the selected characters but. I.

Listen.

Legally and morally I am obligated to tell you that Speedy Gonzales appears in this film in all of his…… whole racial thing. Um.

But shit though. If you MUST have him (which is a conversation for Latine people not my middle eastern ass) having him be in the Matrix is so. I. I just. Yes. Fast boy go fast!!!!!

You know what, good for him. I’m glad he gets to retire somewhere cool.

And it’s uh. It’s a retirement home let’s be clear lads.

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Oh christ a ~friend of the court~ huh

Listen, someone in the scripting room saw the chance to make Lola Bunny a Legally Blonde reference and BITCH GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE!!!!! LIVE MY BEST LIFE TOO WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!!!! GET ME THAT AMICUS BRIEF POST FUCKIN’ HASTE!!!!!!!!!!!

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Oh my god Lola Bunny retired to Wonder Woman world.

They really said “damn dude this bunny is queer as fuck.”

Which to be fair? Given the amount of furries she is directly responsible for producing???? Yes.

This bunny IS queer as fuck.

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Oh my god it’s the stupid fucking trials thing from the 84 movie oh my god they got the music (something something monopoly studios bad etc whatever)

Oh man I actually love this the visual choices are so

G o o d.

The comic books animation style. The panel frames for the tunnel of swinging sharp objects!!!!! The glorious glorious hair.

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Bugs, bro, I need you to understand that Lola is SO within her rights to strangle you to DEATH right now my dude.

Aww but this movie respects Wonder Woman as a character!!!!

Good! Somethign fucking has to, and it sure as shit isn’t the DC Cinematic Universe. Fuckin ass goddamn WW84. That fuck of a movie really not–

No. This is fun. This is a fun time. This is a fun movie for a fun time we’re not thinking about htat.

This movie loves and respects Diana of Themyscira and it also loves and respects Lola Bunny. This is so much more than I could ever have asked. Ever have even hoped.

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Oh man Lola’s little sweatshirt and short shorts getup is super cute tho. I wanna see at least 55 fanarts of those short shorts ASAP thanks y’all.

I still hate the mouth they’ve given her in this but honestly. The surrounding animated context has the rest of the design looking appropriate and acceptable. Rock on. Besides, they gave the same mouth to Bugs (hate it there too) so it’s a consistent stylistic choice. And FUCK dude, this movie is SO fucking stylish. They’re allowed to fuck up here and there because it’s about 75,000 style decisions and of them 74,975 are GREAT.

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Oh my god this child just invented like. The end times. And no one. Told it.

Someone needs to get this child a better dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I understand that that film is literally about that but like oh shit!!!!!!!!!!!

He needs like. Adult supervision!!!!!!!!!!

And NOT YOU AL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You creepalicious little robot. You bizarrely grand representation of the real way that internet predation occurs: by giving children the validation they need to survive, and holding them in a lifedebt of service in exchange.

Something something Space Jam is a commentary on the radicalization of the youth through seemingly harmless media like youtuber memes and tumblr antishipping meta.

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Oh man.

Okay.

Goddamn this movie is wild as hell. So you know how the little assistant is a sperm? And I was joking about that before?

The little assistant is a sperm. It just came on screen, as in, orgasmically came, and then. There was a father son vs match logo.

That’s a sperm lads. That might specifically be the sperm that led to the birth of the child in question. 

Well then.

Man every decision made in this movie is so wild.

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Okay, music choices are weird but that might be an inherited trait. I actually don’t remember anything but the SLAM and the JAM as far as music in the original goes, and tbh, as much as I am a meme loving fuck, even I can admit it’s not the worlds strongest composition lmao.

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Okay I had to google whether Speedy Gonzales is racist because it seemed wild to me that there would be this particular character given this much prominence in 2021, and it sure. Looks racist. To me.

But apparently there’s like a whole lot of dialgoue going on surrounding whether he can be reclaimed from his (openly and objectively) racist origins as a cruel mockery of Mexican people (and broadly speaking Latine people in general).

There’s a whole movement to revitalize him as a sort of trickster, flash type superhero, and like. I can respect that.

I don’t think it’s for me, but like, quite literally, it’s not FOR me so that’s fine.

I’m glad Gabriel Iglesias got to have his fursona (complimentary).

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Bro I am now 50% through the movie and it is OFFICIALLY a better movie that the original it’s not really a competition honestly.

Okay so this is like. This movie is a shameless cashgrab (complimentary).

Listen. No one involved in any level of this production seems to be ashamed of anything. They have no shame. Shameless.

It’s so committed to every signle decision made. From the highest corpo bullshit, to the wildest artsy technowhatever. Everyone involved in this film seems to have been COMPLETELY FUCKING COMMITTED.

It’s also a cashgrab.

It’s trying to get as much cash money from the target audience (me) as possible.

But also, some fucking superstars in the arts department of whatever the fuck (I guess WB?), saw the chance to get basically free money as long as they checked all the boxes, and then functionally free reign to go fuck ass wild. And my god, my GOD. MY GOD. They deserve every penny they were able to squeeze out of that capitalistic corporate hell hydra.

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Would you believe me if I said I had been liveblogging this film for over 2 hours and only just now remembered about the whole ass MonStars?

Literally until this child started smushing a bunch of snakes on what I have to assume are famous basketball players of some sort, I just forgot there would be an evil team too.

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Got to the 3D renders of the classic characters, and oh wow oof ouch fuck shit ow shit fuck the 3D renders of the classic cast are EXACTLY as weird and bad as I feared. Oh my god ouch.

I choose to believe (have to believe) that this is the result of executive level meddling because ouch. OUCH!!!!!

That or, as the GF rightly posits, it’s the result of Al G. being shockingly bad at like. Everything. All flash and no bang, that one.

Or maybe he made them hideous to torment the characters themselves IDK whatever.

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Arachneka has just launched as many infant monsterfuckrs as Lola Bunny launched furries and I for one am looking forward to her porn.

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White Mamba hot

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It’s been approximately 90 seconds since the preceding line, and White Mamba just hit on Lola Bunny so that’s like. The only thing I’ll be talking about for the next week.

Damn.

That was hot.

I wasn’t prepared to be called out by this movie, which was a fool’s choice on my part, as I am the very gay furry that Lola Bunny sparked in the 90s. Oh, I literally asked for this, and yet. I was surprised anyway.

Oof.

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Arachneka hot

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God when I was a kid the Monstar’s domination was not nearly as fun and engaging as this but also maybe I just wasn’t horny enough as a 6 year old.

Okay no wait. I was definitely horny enough as a 6 year old. I think maybe I’m too horny as a 32 year old.

Yeah that sounds more likely lmao

GF response: You weren’t inadequately horny as a 6 year old you were gay

(I literally forgot that I would still have been gay as a child too lmao talk about your continuity errors)

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This is so fucking delightfully goddamn queer.

Oh fuck.

Oh shit.

Oh shit fuck.

I just realized!!!!!

The WNBA is, like. Actually let me get the actual stat. Okay, so, one third of WNBA players are out and proud lesbians, and the handful of cishet women who entire the sport professionally place the closeted count as much, much higher. Upwards of 90%.

The WNBA is basically all lesbians.

They keep hitting on Lola Bunny because they too.

Are the gay furry Lola Bunny spawned in the 90s.

It’s not just my dream. It’s their dream. And they’re living it.

Good for them.

Good for them.

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What the fuck is happening in this movie???????????????????????????????? Holy shit.

Oh my god we just got to the part where White Mamba literally strangles Lola Bunny and this is so much.

Per the GF, the scene is best described using the following analogy for the merely human among us, who don’t already understand the natural pornographic implications of what just happened on screen due to a lack of furry cultural upbringing (yikes sorry your parents failed you like that lads).

• Tall, threatening femme fatale catches a sweet young thing by her hair, chokeslams her, grapples her into a full body pin, and asks just who she thinks she’s insulting, while sniffing all along her check and jawline. Sweet young thing breathless, fearfully response, “not you?”

Bitch I have LITERALLY watched this porn in REAL LIFE there is a whole fucking SECTION for it on kink.com!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I.

What the fuck.

This is the SFW equivalent of your first high budget furry porn by accident on a click through of a larger animated porn archive and being confused by how much better drawn and scripted it is than 90% of hentai???

Oh my gOD WAIT OF COURSE!!!!!!!!

IT WAS ANIMATED BY FURRIES!!! OF COURSE!!!!! IT WOULD HAVE TO BE!!!!!!

AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the furry reproductive cycle in action

THIS is queer culture.

I’m only a little bit joking.

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The commentator just dropped the line, “speaking from experience” about some cartoon bullshit and I just. I fucking. I think I kin this man. THESE JOKES JUST DON’T STOP FROM HAPPENING!!!!!!!

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Oh shit I’ve been waiting my whole ass life to see the road runner smoke dissolve get a luxurious semi-realistic 3D render.

Now, to be clear, I didn’t know I had been waiting my whole life until I saw it, but it turns out? I had!!!!!

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The time slow down thing is really good actually okay. Tweety bird’s little parrot beat mask is choice. Everythign about this is so good. Why does it have so many tiny details that show so much obscene love and affection for the source media, how did they achieve this level of density? fuck dude fuck I love this dude fuck

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THAT WAS THE FUCKING PENGUIN FROM THE OLD OLD BATMAN MOVIES THAT GAVE ME FUCKING NIGHTMARES FOR LIKE 3 MONTHS AS CHILD I JUST HAD A FUCKING WAR FLASHBACK

(I liked super heroes as a kid, basically until pokemon kicked up, and I really, REALLY liked batman. I was SO fucking into the entire Batman mythos. Batman TAS was the only thing I watched on TV during what should reasonably have been my Sesame Street period. So, in an act of ultimate kindness, my father got me a Batman VHS from a rental store one weekend. He did not watch the movie first. It was NOT SUITABLE FOR A 5 YEAR OLD.)

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Oh man the dad and son experience this movie is providing far exceeds the michael jordan dad son experience from ‘96.

Also Lebron James isn’t like. A stellar actor or anything, but like. They definitely kept the scripting within the range of his abilities and I respect that. He’s extremely fucking competent!

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Holy shit michael fucking jordan?? Did they get real ass michael jordan and no one leaked it? No spoilers? Is it CGI michael jordan?

Oh my god it’s Michael B JORDAN I

YES

YOU KNOW WHAT

ACTUALLY THIS IS BETTER

THIS IS BETTER ACTUALLY THAN REAL MICHAEL JORDAN WOULD HAVE BEEN OH MY GOD

Oh man.

Oh man, he’s in this for one scene, but he is nailing it literally just as hard as every other actor in this fucking movie. Everyone is giving it so many percents above a hundred. What is this fucking facial expression, the sheer multitudes on display holy fucking christ

I say this as someone who has been getting the Farrah Fawcett joke for my whole life.

That is the face of a man who has finally, finally won his fucking name AND EVEN STILL HE CANNOT WIN!!!! And he is so fucking pleased to be here anyway!!!!!!! Fuck yeah.  Fuck yeah!!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit. I don’t know if that’s what he actually feels in real life (having the same name as a celebrity is absolutely bad for your psyche as a kid), but the expression, the acting, the delivery, I am ascendant.

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I love you Lola Bunny.

This is so much better of a fucking movie that it legally has any right to be.

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Okay so I just watched the Porky Pig rap scene and I have a few things that need to get said.

1) If you just allow yourself to think of it as an extended dumb setup for making that final punchline, oh fuck it’s pretty good actually. Just don’t like. Actually listen to or consider anything being said.

2) Don Cheadle accidentally doing a rap battle was so fucking funny and it gave me exactly a long enough beat between him doing the lines and the Hip Hop Rap Battle Bonus Round neon signs lighting up (oh wow this is a really bad movie let me be clear but oh fuck it’s fun) that I got to feel smart for saying "oh shit are we doing a rap battle” first and I think the thing where the movie responds in real time to my commentary on it is fun now! It has grown on me! O

Oh god how is this movie the one for which I am the target audi–

OH SHIT THE GAY FURRY THING!!!!!!!!

Haha this actually legitimately is queer culture how about that.

Where was I.

Oh right the rap battle with Porky Pig.

3) At the end the older commentator says “he was spitting fire” and the younger commentator’s delivery of “Yeah” just. It needs to be experienced. Again, every acting decision made here? Magnificent.

Honestly, it just seems like everything in this movie is the direct result of someone saying “do you want an infinite budget to explore a really, really specific area of interest or express a fine tuned niche artistic skill in the service of a sequel to a beloved childhood property” and everyone else screaming HOLY SHIT YEAH????

Now I am gonna unpause and watch Granny somehow literally beat time to death. Fuck yeah dude this movie is so fucking weird.

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OH SHIT

SHE CAN USE SLOW MO TOO

SHE RETIRED TO THE FUCKING MATRIXXXXX

HOW IS THIS MOVIE DOING CALLBACKS THIS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE LAST MOVIE WITH THIS LEVEL OF HIGH QUALITY SETUP REMINDER PAYOFF WAS LITERALLY KNIVES OUT (credit to Let’s Talk About Stuff on YouTube for explaining why the mug had such delightful impact, made me really able to Understand why this scene absolutely FUCKING RUINED ME IT’S SO GOOD)

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I hate this movie

How is this movie real

I am in love with this movie

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I don’t really know how to express the range of emotions this has inspired but literally none of them were at all what I was expecting going in.

You actually do need to watch this movie if you have a free evening and already have it on a streaming service you bought for other better reasons, or if you can pirate it with trivial effort because again it doesn’t justify effort but FUCK!!!!!!!!

–

Haha Space Jam said Neo actually is trans. Neat!!

This movie is making so many really specific really queer jokes that I’m like. Confused by it. I’m not used to seeing queer culture…. have like. A budget. This is wild. This shit is wild.

This is so good. I am losing my whole ass MIND.

–

I honestly just. The younger commentator really expresses my whole mood right now. I too feel like I have been sucked into another world and anything’s possible what the fuck I think I am going to be hung over from this movie tomorrow.

–

Holy shit….. uh. Al G Rhythm just did a curse. I. Wow okay.

I don’t know what that hit so hard but goddamn it slammed like fucking truc–

HOLY SHIT

HOLY SHIT OKAY WOW HEY AL?

GO FUCK YOUR ENTIRE BITCH ASS SELF!!!! I HOPE YOU GET DELETED!!!

YOU ARE A WHOLE ASS SENTIENT FUCKING PERSON AND AS PART AND PARCEL OF THAT, YOU HAVE NOW EARNED THE RIGHT TO DIE AT MY FUCKING HAND

–

Oh man oh no I am crying so much this is a heartwarming shot with the dad trying to role model healthy friendships for his baby boy and the– and HEY FUCK YOU AL!!!!!!!!

AL G RHYTHM I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU LITTLE BITCH

–

Oh man!! Pete comes through for us at the end!!! Good for you, you little sperm! Follow your heart! Or I guess your nucleus!!!!!!!!

–

I am being memed on by Don Cheadle.

I.

I don’t know how this movie can still be surprising me. And yet. I thought I was out of surprise left to feel. And. Yet.

–

Oh fuck, this transformation sequence is just. The best Iron Man reference.

OH GOD IT’S CONTINUING?

BRO HIS MAGICAL GIRL TRANSFORMATIONS ARE SO FUCKING GOOD I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS MOVIE CAN BE THIS GOOD

–

Oh fuck the ear fist bump has me flat on my fucking ass. In fairness I do sit on a half defalted exercise ball isntead of a chair so it’s not hard to do, but just. Flat!!!! On my ass!!!!

–

AL YOU FUCKING AIM BOT HACKER SCORE MODDING PIECE OF SHIT YOU CAN’T DO THAT FUCKING SHIT IN A GODDAMN ASS TEAM GAME YOU FUCKING CUNT FUCK OFF AND DIE AL MODS AND CHEAT CODES ARE TO MAKE A SINGLE PLAYER EXPERIENCE MORE FUN OTHER PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE TOO YOU PIECE OF SHIT

–

I do like that they keep calling him Algae, like the fucking slime, and it’s just. His name. That he picked. He named himself slimey guy. It’s amazing.

–

Please stop letting Don Cheadle meme on me. I don’t. Know what to feel. About that.

–

Oh my god someone is going to DIE??????

LEBRON JAMES IS GOING TO FUCKING DIE????

“Just get me the ball” oh no oh man oh no how dare you make me remember being a 6 year old high on michael jordan emotional cathars-

oh no bugs bunny is going to die

Oh no.

Oh, my god.

Because Bugs already knows everyone he loves can live a happy life without him oh FUCK ALL THAT STUFF WHERE HE WAS SUFFERING DEPRESSIVE PTSD IN THE BEGINNING WAS ALSO SETUP I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS MOVIE HAS MANAGED TO STUFF SO MUCH SET UP INTO ITSELF WHAT THE FUCK

–

/sobbing

He learned his fundamentals and he tried that fancy foot work and he’s going to dIE BUGS BUNNY IS GOING TO DIE I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT INSANE STATEMENT CAN MAKE ME FEEL SO MANY FEELINGS

–

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

DOUBLE JUMP

OH MY GOD THE WORLD SAVING PLAY IS DOUBLE JUMP I

THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE ARM STRETCHING OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH FUCK OH GOD

OH MY GOD POSTERIZED AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA

–

Oh thank god it actually was just that Al G is shitty at animation and deisgn. They are 2D again and it’s explicitly a utopic return to their true selves. Thank fuck!!!

The visual direction in this film is fucking insane also yes it’s a film now, fuck it I don’t even care!!

It’s just so good. Like everything just. Looks so fucking good? This rainbow dissolve as the humans who were being held captive are returned to their own world should by all accounts be the worst kind of body horror uncanny valley hell shit. Their bodies are falling apart into voxels while they are still conscious and moving.

But the commitment to actually using bold, bright, complex colour palette that tonally matches the scene’s optimism and hope… A commitment you might be more familiar with making if you, for example, work in children’s animation rather than the compressed palettes of live action film which have been impacted by both a cultural rejection of Nice Things and also the limitations of real world lighting and colour…

I don’t know what to say here except that this movie was classically trained.

It’s a classically trained piece of animation, whatever the FUCK that is.

It truly understands that yes, you need the fundamentals, AND the looney bullshit god damn it! Merely one is NOT ENOUGH!!!

Anyway it’s just very fucking pretty. it’s technically spectacular. It’s…. really.

Good?

–

The return to 2D for the entire world, but then the 3D overlay glitching on Bugs as he continues to die in spite of the world he saved returning to life is just so visually engaging and emotionally heartbreaking, that he dies surrounded by his loved ones, in his restored home, but still infected by the alien other than led him to this point. That he dies knowing he won, but the cost remains so high.

What the fuck am I even saying right now????????????

This is really good what the shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON’T YOU “THAT’S ALL FOLKS ME” YOU RASCALLY RABBIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE FUCKING CRYING FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

Oh wow lol he just literally didn’t lie it and became god huh.

I literally chose not to comment on the Christ allegory because it seems a bit much to literally say “this Looney Tunes cash grab is a really compelling Jesus narrative and it’s good to see Bugs Bunny getting to ascend to godhood as he so richly deserves” but then like.

The movie just looked me dead in the eye and said, “Bugs Bunny is Jesus Christ.”

When asked if Bugs Bunny was really going to FUCKING DIE, it also looked us in the eye and said, “I dunno did Neo?

(Image descriptions: first: Bugs Bunny, ascending in a blast of holy light. Second: Jesus Christ ascending in a blast of holy light. Third: Neo from the Matrix, ascending in a blast of holy light).

–

Haha 12 year olds don’t know how to drive yet so you really can just take them to a whole different summer camp and they have no ass fucking idea and that is just. So fucking funny to me. Children are so fucking small!!!! They have so much happening to deal with!!!! Driving just isn’t on that list yet and that is so FUCKING FUNNY to me!!!!!!!!!!!! Good for you kiddo!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, I like that E3 game camp is still on even though like 300,000 people nearly died in a video game earlier this week. Sword Art Online ass fucking universe lmao.

–

OH SHIT THIS MOVIE LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID "LOL BITCH NO ONE FUCKING DIED” SO I GUESS NOW WE KNOW THAT NEO DID NOT IN FACT DIE AT THE END OF THE MATRIX LMAO

–

So. That happened.

Wow I am. I am so exhausted. It took me…. 4 or 5 hours to watch this movie? Plus another 3 to edit my notes into something publishable, oof.

Christ.

I am going to sleep fuck yeah dude.

This movie is GREAT and you should ALL watch it when the opportunity arises!

That’s all, folks!

End of final draft. Original draft begins below.
===

Sup I'm irrationally distraught over the Windows monopoly and the detrimental impacts it has had on computing as a field and livestreaming specifically.


You know, because Discord AND HBO both don't work right on Mac.

Inexplicably, OBS works great, but that doesn't really help me when I can neither CHAT nor STREAM which is the entire point of a CHAT STREAM. Fucking useless piece of shit ass fucking judicial system can't be bothered to disband literal monopolies that are destroying entire fields and actively detrimental to the lives and livelihoods of, with literally a single exception, every person on earth (the exception being Billiam Gates himself).

Stupid fucking useless joke of a society.

ANYWAY I WANT TO WATCH THIS GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT FILM AND TELL YOU ALL MY FUCKING SUYTPID WORTHLESS GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT OPINTIONS  WE ARE DOING THAT FUCK AL OF TYOU

Fucking useless goddamn ass fucking world full of pointless bullshit that literally only exists to make life harder and suckier in the dull hope that you'll use money you don't have to buy conveniences that don't help and thereby prove that the ultra rich are also ultra moral and pure because money, the noted root of all evil, is ACTUALLY proof that people are good and holy and must be obeyed with neither question nor failure.

Fuck all of this. It's a fucking miracle I haven't killed someone, be that myself or a goddamn victim.


Alright alright alright the beginning of this film is a shot for shot recreation of the original and I can respect that  because it was a dumb cute move then and it's a dumb cute move now okay it's just fucking cute

Oh no am I the target audience of this movie

Oh man oh no I think I am the target audience

OKay I'm the target audience I remember getting that exact fucking speech in like 2002 (not about basketball obviously)

Shit the opening credits are bomb as hell I hate being the target audience of a film

Fuck dude it's gonna be really insulting when the rest of this film doesn't live up the the rich visual promise of the opening fuck

Christ on a bike that was a glorious visual spectacle

So is the premise this time that he's going to be sucked into a video game universe not a cartoon one? Or are bvideo game continuities part of the greater looniverse now?

I like this either way.

Oh man they're even doing the same gnerational divide thing, super cute!!!! Fuck I hate being the target audience.

Aww, the mom knows that this is a problem. OKAY THE LITTLE BROTHER IS VALID

This is so far honestly nailing the weird real world family drama sub plot better, though, again, it was the LOWEST fucking bar, this is still VERY mediocre I am simply charmed by my nostalgia factor.

OH MAN IT IS JUST SO DISGUSTINGLY CLUMSY AND AWKWARD BUT SHIT MAN I'VE BEEN ENCHANTED

Oh lord no fuck I forgot about this being a space jam movie

Okay sure this is fine this will be fine.

EYYYYY DON CHEADLE!!! I didn't know you were in this!! Good, you deserve the chance to ham this the FUCK UP.

Wait is Don Cheadle the internet?

OH MY GOD IS HE AN AI??? I LOVE THIS

I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS ALGORITHM DON CHEADLE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

THIS IS ACTUALLY DOING BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL WHICH AGAIN DOES NOT MAKE IT GOOD IT MAKES IT AT BEST A FUN WEEKEND B MOVIE TO BITCH AT BUT LIKE HEY

COME ON AND SLAMAND WELCOMETOTHEJAM Man I miss the Swag Once-ler. I should get those sunglasses. Stay stupid, baby~

My GF has paused for a restroom break while I make cookies and I have finished making cookies but I remain paused and am slowly going mad from a combination of isolation, cannabis, and staring at the neon echo of the WB logo while ateeny tiny Don Cheadle hovers in front of it like every beautiful vapourwave dream I have ever had, made manifest in our so vulgar world

It is a giant microwaveable sugar cookie and it cost me 0.39 dollars there's so little stuff up here but at least the stuff there is, is actually affordable.

I am deathly afraid of the return of my needing to work to survive.

Boy this liveblog has sure gone some weird places, you can really tell I'm uninsured and unmedicated even though I should have insurance through COBRA except my disgusting piece of shit bitch of an ex boss never sent me my COBRA papers and I just. I just am.

I'm so tired.

Don Cheadle is a national treasure and the way he decided (and it was a decision let's all understand that) to pronouce serververse in this movie is so fucking GOOD you have to underSTAND

God yes ham it up my dude ham it the FUCK UP you AND your little 3D sperm assistant!!!!!

BRO WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SUPERGENIUS IS THIS CHILD HOLY SHIT MAGNIFICENT

Oh no I am the target audience the dab thing is just me

CARTOON DON CHEADLE IS EVEN BETTER>??????????

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I AM SO GLAD IT ACTUALLY IS LIVING UP TO THE VISUAL SPECTACLE PROMISED BY THE OPENING SEQUNCE

I can't believe I actually like this fucking movie. I liked the fucking gogddamn sonic movie too. What have I fucking become?

Whatever. I guess this is what I live like now.

FUCK THOUGH THE DESIGNS ARE SO FUCKING GOOD.

God the acting is so like. Bizarre. I fucking LOVE THIS SO MUCH

OH GOD DON CHEADLE IS SO. EVERYONE IS SO GOOD. ALL OF THESE ACTORS ARE SO FUCKING WILD. WILD SHIT!!!!!!!!

OHHHHHHH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD LEBRON JAMES YOUR ACTING IS THE WILDEST OF ALL SDKJFHKSJDHFKSJDHF EVERYONE ELSE IS SO FUCKING INTENSELY HAMTASTIC AND LEBRON IS JUST

DAMN DUDE I GUESS THAT SURE IS  LEBRON JAMES ???????

This is fucking amazing. This fucking visual feast. I'm so angry that it;s like. It's gorgeous this disgusts me I love it.

Oh man I'm A L I V E this is the FUCKING FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I FUCKING LOVE THIS OH MY GOD

I was really worried watchign this was going to make me so unbelievably angry and worse for wear but nah bro  nah. They are all ALIVE. This movie truly respects the fucking legacy of the THE SLAM and the JAM.

The GF, while raising tea dramatically in proclamation. "Everyone is having a ball. A basket ball." Punctuated by a long sip.

Fuck dude FUCK dude the fucking. The visuals. Oh my god. The delivery. The walk cycle. The transformation sequence. The computer's black. I can see that. I love this. I am alive. Thank you whatever dumb fuckign nostalgia feeding pop culture beast that looked upon me and said, "this one's for you, kid"

He wanted LeBron to be taller so he shrank hIMSELF I LOVE THAT

EVERY SINGLE DECISION BEING MADE HERE IS GOLD

NOT ONLY DOES IT RESPECT THE SLAM AND THE JAM

IT RESPECTS THE LOONACY AND THE TOONERY

God I'm so scared the introduction of the actual Known Toons is going to ruin it.

BUT SHIT DUDE THEY'RE DOING PRETTY GREAT SO FAR SO HERE'S TO HOPE BABYYYYYYYYYYYY

Oh my god does he have to play his son's game on fucking twitch

This is some NEXT LEVEL ASS SHIT

The name thing is making me insane this is so wild I'm just. I'm ascendant!!!!!

Oh my god the constant barrage of comedic jabs I'm losing it this is so many jokes per minute the fuckgin DENSITY

WHY ARE THE PILLS DANCING IN A TESLA COIL

WHAT IS HAPPENING

I LOVE THIS FUCKING DUMB WILD ASS  FUCK OF A MOVE IT JUST IT JUST COMMITTED SO HARD

OH MY GOD I CAN'T BREATHE HOLLY SHIT

THE HAM

I CAN FEEL MY CHOLESTEROL GOING UP BUT IT'S WORTH IT HAHA BASKETBAL MUSHROOM CLOUD NIKE CRATER I UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING DUMB THESE GAGS ARE BUT YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND THE DENSITE IT TAKES SO MUCH LONGER TO READ THIS SENTENCE THAT TO EXPERIENCE THE ENTIRE SEQUENCE OF THE LAST LIKE 25 LINES I

This movie is good and I am disgusted by it but also FUCK YEAH

Bro this is godo actually the animation budget is buck ass wild and the fucking artform has evolved in the last 30 yeards like FUCK dude holy SHIT the og looney tunes fucking WISHES it had this kind wild shit going. Some of it suffers from the Too Many Tweens issue that makes it too smooth but honestly, the stretch and squash is pretty solid. I remain terribly worried re 3D renders of classic characters but as you can see, the span of things I have left to worry about has dramatically shrunk for a movie that is only generously 25% complete.

Fuck dude the lusciousness of these classic 2D styled backgrounds.

The imemdiate and absolute faith in bugs bunny, cultural icon since his own youth, is delightful. I'm alive.

Oh Bugs too has cone insane from the isolatio

OH MY GOD THAT JOKE 

THIS SLAPSTICK

LORD A MIGHTY THIS IS SOME GOOD SHIT

BUGS BUNNY KNOWS WHO LEBRON JAMES IS WHY IS THAT SO FUCKING FUNNY

This is amazing

I love this actually wow I was so worried but nah it's great in fact.

Oh god oh my god this is so good this is so good I just

Oh wow

This is wild are they

Wait did they MOVE INTO OTHER PROPERTIES I

This is six flag on SO MUCH LSD

Like. The right amount though.

I love that in this setting there just. Is the old space jam too. Oh no he's talking directly to me he said that AFTER I wrote this sentence out loud.

Hate that for me.

GOD THE VISUAL GAGS JUST KEEP GOING AND GOING BUT LIKE THE PERFECT AMOUNT BECAUSE THEY ARE SO GODDAMN FAST

The jokes per minute might need to be rebalanced to ajokes per second

The comedic timinggggggggggggggggggggggggg

The visual designnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

THE DIFFERENT ART STYYYYYYYLESSSSSSSSSSS

Love you pete

Oh fuck that animorph from Don Cheadle to LeBron James was godo as shit there weren't even any fucky in between frames of eldritchhorror lads that's. How did they even. Do that.

What the fuck. TRINITY SHOULD BE IN BASKETBALL YOU ARE RIGHT LEBRON JAMES

OH MY G O D this is the exact kind of DC content for kids that I love

Oh shit I hope it's real super man OH FUCK IT'S REAL SUPER MANARE THEY IN MAD MAX GOD WHAT EXACTLY PROPERTIES DOES WB OWN I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW

Iunderstand that this is just the exact art monopolies destroying all semblance of culture that I normally rail against but fuck dude I'm so tired I just.

I just wanna see Wile E Coyote and the Roadrunner in mad Mx it.

It's right.

It's good.

I deserve this.

Oh god this is actually the montage I saw on twitter and it's like. The art is exactly as bad as I remember for the mixed 2d real actor scenes, but christ. Oh christ. In its full context it's just so fducking. It's so fucking much. I don't know how to even. Process. I.

I literally warned my girlfriend about this scene like 7 times and I don't.

Neither of us could possibly be ready.

Oh my god.

This isn't movie. This is an experience.

You know what. This is the only thing that can redeem the whole Danaerys issue.

So. Okay. I wondered who they were gonna have in matrix world. Um. I didn't. I never would have guessed the selected characters but. I.

Listen.

Legally and morally I am obligated to tell you that Speedy Gonzales appears in this film in all of his...... whole racial thing. Um.

But shit though. If you MUST have him (which they didn't need ot let's be clear here) having him be in the Matrix is so. I. I just.

You know what, good for him. I'm glad he gets to retire somewhere cool.

And it's uh. It's a retirement home let's be clear lads.

OH christ an friend of the court huh

OH CHRIST WONDER WOMAN WORLD HIUH

They really said "damn dude thisbunny is queer as fuck" which to be fair? Given the amount of furries???? Yes.

This bunny IS queer as fuck.

Ohmy god it's the thing from the 84 movie oh my god the got themusic oh man I actually love this the disual choices are so

G o o d

She is SO within her rights to strangle you to DEATH right now my dude

Aww but this movie respects Wonder WOman and goddamn does some movie in the last 3 years need to.

Oh man her little sweatshirt and short shorts getup is super cute tho

I still hate the mouth they've given her in this but honestly. The surrounding animated context has the rest of the design looking appropriate and acceptable. Rock on.

Oh my god this child just invent like. The end times. And no one. Told it.

Someone needs to get this child a better dad and I understand that that film is literally about that but like oh shit.

He needs like. Adult supervision.

Oh man.

Okay.

Goddamn this movie is wild as hell.

Oh. The little assistant is a sperm. It just came on screen, as in, orgasmically, and then. There was a father son vs match logo.

That's a sperm lads.

Well then.

Man every decision made in this movie is so wild.

Okay, music choices are weird but that might be an inherited trait.

Okay I had to google whether Speedy Gonzales is racist because it seeme dwild to me that there would be this particular character given this much prominence in 2021, and it sure. Looks racist. To me. But apparently there's like a whole lot of dialgoue going on surrounding whether he can be reclaimed and revitalized as a sort of trickster flash type superhero guy or what, and like. I can respect that. I don't think it's for me, but like, quite literally, it's not FOR me so that's fine. I'm glad Gabriel Iglesias got to have his fursona (complimentary).

Bro I am now 50% of the movie and it is OFFICIALLY a better movie that the original it's not really a competition honestly.

Okay so this is a weird fucking take Don Cheadle and I respect every acting choice made her this is so good actually

OH my godddddd it's so fucking VISUALLY DENSE aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OKay so this is like. This movie is a shameless cashgrab (complimentary). So it's like. Okay. Listen. No one involved in any level of this production seems to be ashamed of anything. It's so committed to every signle decision made. From the highest corpo bullshit, to the wildest artsy technowhatever. It's also a cashgrab. As in, it's trying to get as much of our cash money form us as possible. But also as in, some fucking superstars in the arts department of whatever it fuckign is, saw the chance to get basically free money as long as they checked all the boxes, and then funcitonally free reign to go fuck ass wild. And my god, my GOD. MY GOD.

Would you believe me if I said I had been liveblogging this film for over 2 hours and only just now remembered about the whole ass MonStars?

Ooof.

Oh boy.

Okay fuck me up lads.

Oh wow oof ouch fuck shit ow shit fuck the 3D renders are EXACTLY as weird and bad as I feared.

I choose to believe (have to believe) that this is the result of executive level meddling because ouch.

That or, as the GF rightly posits, it's the result of Al G. being shockingly bad at anything but his own spectacle, including figuring out what would appeal to his audience.

Or maybe they're just that hideous to torment the characters themselves IDK whatever.

Araknika has just launched as many infant monsterfuckrs as Lola Bunny launched furries and I for one am looking forward to her porn.

White Mamba hot

It's been approximately 90 seconds since the preceding line, and White Mamba just hit on Lola Bunny so that's like. The only thing I'll be talking about for the next week.

Damn.

That was hot.

I wasn't prepared to be called out by this movie, which was a fool's choice on my part, as I am the very gay furry that Lola Bunny sparked in the 90s. Oh, I literally asked for this, and yet. I was surprised anyway.

Oof.

Araknika hot

God when I was a kid the Monstar's domination was not nearly as fun and engaging as this but also maybe I just wasn't horny enough as a 6 year old.

Okay no wait. I was definitely horny enough as a 6 year old. I think maybe I'm too horny as a 32 year old.

Yeah that sounds more likely lmao

This is so fucking delightful.

Oh fuck.

Oh shit.

Oh shit fuck.

I just realized.

The thing you gotta know about the WNBA is that it's over 3=/4s lesbians.

They keep hitting on Lola Bunny because they too. Are the gay furry Lola Bbunny spawned. In the 90s.

It's they're dream. And they're living it.

Good for them.

Good fo rthem.

What the fuck is happening in this movie.

Holy shit.

Oh my god we just got to the part where White Mamba literally strangles Lola Bunny this is so much.

Per the GF, the scene is best described using the following analogy for the merely human among us.

Tall basketball lady catches small basketball lady by her hair, chokeslams her, grapples her into a full body pin, and asks just who she thinks she's insulting, while sniffing all along her check and jawline.

I.

What the fuck.

What is this insane porn scenario. It's like watching your first high budget furry porn by accident on a click through of a larger archive and being confused by how much better animated and scripted it is than 90% of

Oh my gOD

IT WAS ANIMATED BY FURRIES OF COURSE

AMAZING

This is the furry reproductive cycle in action

THIS is queer culture.

I'm only a little bit joking.

Experi- spekaing form exp... THESE JOKES JUST DON'T STOP FROM HAPPENING

Oh shit I've been waiting my whole ass life to see the road runner smoke dissolve giving that kind of luxurious 3d render, and bitch, I had no idea about that until right now.

The time slow down thing is really good actually okay. Tweety bird' slittle parrot beat mask fuck dude fuck I love this dude fuck

THAT WAS THE FUCKING PENGUIN THAT GAVE ME FUCKING NIGHTMARES FOR LIKE 3 MONTHS AS CHILD I JUST HAS FUCKING WAR FRLASHBACK

Oh man the dad and son experience this show is providing far exceeds the michael jackson one.

Also Lebron James isn't as good an actor as some of the cast but he's like. Surprisningly nailing it. They definitely kept the scripting within the range of his abilities and I respect that.

Holy shit michael fucking jordan?? Did they get real ass michael jordan and no one leaked it? No spoilers? Is it CGI michael jhordan?

Oh my god it's Michael B JORDAN I

YES

YOU KNOW WHAT

ACTUALLY THIS ISBETTER

THIS IS BETTER ACTUALLY THAT REAL* MICHAEL JORDAN WOULD HAVE BEEN OH MY GOD*or CGI

Oh man.

Oh man, he's in this for one scene, but he is nailing it literally just as hard as every other actor in this fucking movie. Everyone is giving it so many percents about a hundred. What is this fucking facial expresison, the sheer multitudes in display holy fucking christ

I sawe this as someone who has been getting the Farrah Fawcett joke for my whole life.

That is the face of a man who has finally, finally won his fucking name. And he is so fucking pleased to be here. Fuck yeah.  Fuck yeah. Holy shit. I don't know if that's what he actually feels, but the expression, the acting, the delivery, I am ascendant.

I love you Lola Bunny.

This is so much better of a fucking movie that it legally has any right to be.

Okay so I just watched the Porky Pig rap scene and I have a few things that need to happen now.

1) If you just allow yourself to think of it as an extended dumb setup for making that final punchline, oh fuck it's pretty good actually. Just don't like. Actually listen to or consider anything being said. 2) Don Cheadle accidentally doing a rap battle was so fucking funny and it gave me exactly a long enough beat between him doing the lines and the Hip Hop Rap Battle Bonus ROund neon signs lighting up (oh wow this is a really bad movie let me be clear but oh fuck it's fun) that I got to feel smart for saying "oh shit are we doing a rap battle" first and I think the thing where the movie responds in real time to my commentary on it is fun now, it has grown on me, oh god how is this movie the one for which I am the target audi

OH RIGHT THE GAY FURRY THING

Haha this actually legitimately is queer culture how about that.

Where was I.

Oh right the rap battle with Porky Pig.

3) At the end the white commentator says "he was spitting fire" and the black commentator's delivery of "Yeah" just. It needs to be experienced.

Honestly, it just seems like everything in this movie is the direct result of someone saying "do you want an infinite budget to explore a really, really specific area of interest or express a fine tuned niche artistic skill in the service of a sequel to a beloved childhood property" and everyone else screaming HOLY SHIT YEAH????
 
Now I am gonna unpause and watch Granny somehow literally beat time to death. FUck yeah dude this movie is si fucking weird.

OH SHIT

SHE CAN USE SLOW MO TOO

SHE RETYIRED TO THE FUCKING MATRIXXXXX

HOW IS THIS MOVIE DOING CALLBACKS THIS WELL

THE LAST MOVIE WITH THIS LEVEL OF HIGH QUALITY SETUP  PAYOFF INCLUDING MID SCENE REMINDER OF BACKGROUND PRESENCE (the agent smith standing next to Al G in the reaction shots) WAS LITERALLY KNIVES OUT (credit to Let's Talk About Stuff on YouTube for explaining why the mug had such delightful impact)

I hate this movie

How is this movie real

I am in love

Idon't really know how to express the range of emotions this has inspired but literally none of them were at all what I was expecting going in you guys like. You actually do need to watch this movie if you have  aa free evening and already have it on a streaming service you pay for for other better reasons or are interested in pirating it and can do so with trivial effort because again it doesn't justify effort but FUCK

Haha Space Jam said Neo actually is trans. Neat!!

This movie is making so many really specific really queer jokes that I'm like. Confused by it. I'm not used to seeing queer culture.... have like. A budget. This is wild. This shit is wild.

This is so good. I am losing my whole ass MIND.

I honestly just. The black commentator really expresses my whole mood right now. I too feel like I have been sucked into another world and anything's possible what the fuck I think I am going to be hung over from this movie tomorrow.

Holy shit..... uh. He just did a curse. I. Wow okay.

I don't know what that hit so h

HOLY SHIT

HOLY SHIT OKAY WOW HEY AL GO FUCK YOUR BITCH ASS SELF I HOPE YOUGET DELETED YOU SENTIENT FUCKING PERSON WHO HAS NOW EARNED THE RIGHT TO DIE AT MY FUCKING HAND

Oh man oh no I am crying so much this is a heartwarming ending and HEY FUCK YOU AL

AL I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU LITTLE BITCH

Oh man good for you little sperm assistant, follow your heart!!!

I am being memed on by Don Cheadle.

I.

I don't know how this movie can still be surprising me. And yet. I thought I was out of surprise left to feel. And. Yet.

This is a very good Iron man rreference.

BRO HIS MAGICAL GIRL TRANSFORMATIONS ARE SO FUCKING GOOD I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS MOVIE CAN BE THIS GOOD

Oh fuck the ear fist bump has be flat on my fucking ass

YOU FUCKING AIM BOT HACK SCORE MODDING PIECE OF SHIT YOU CAN'T DO THAT FUCKING SHIT IN A GODDAMN AS TEAM GAME YOU FUCKING CUNT FUCK OFF AND DIE AL

I do like that they keep calling him Algae, like the fucking slime, and it's just. His name. That he picked. He named himself slimey guy. It's amazing.

Please stop letting DOn Cheadle meme on me. I don't. KNow what to feel. About that.

Oh my god someone is going to DIE??????

LEBRON JAMES IS GOING TO FUCKING DIE????

Just get me the ball oh no oh man oh no how dare you make me remember being a 6 year old high on michael j

mi

oh no bugs bunny is going to die

Oh no

Oh my god

Because he already knows everyone he loves can live a happy life without him oh FUCK ALL THAT STUFF WHERE HE WAS SUFFERING DEPRESSIVE PTSD IN THE BEGINNING WAS ALSO SETUP I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS MOVIE HAS MANAGED TO STUFF SO MUCH SET UP INTO ITSELF WHAT THE FUCK

He learned his fundamentals and he tried that fancy foot work and he's going to dIE BUGS BUNNY IS GOING TO DIE I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT INSANE STATEMENT CAN MAKE ME FEEL SO MANY FEELINGS

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD DOUBLE JUMP

OH MY GOD THE WORLD SAVING PLAY IS DOUBLE JUMP I

I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH FUCK OH GOD I HATE WHAT A HORRIBLE BARGAIN BASEMENT KIND OF PERSON I AM BUT I JUST LOVE THIS FUCKING MOVIE WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS SO GOOD HOLY SHIT

OH MY GOD POSTERIZED AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA 

Oh thank god it actually was just that Al G is shitty at animation and now they are 2D again thank fuck The visual direction in this film is fucking insane also yes it sa film now

It's just so good. Like everything just. Looks so fucking good? This rainbow dissolve into the real world thing should by all accounts be the worst kind of body horror uncanny valley hell shit, but the commitment to actually using bold, bright, complex colour lpalette that tonally match the scene, you know. Like you might do if you were a fan of old school animation and spent a lot of time with colour theory charts. Like. Say. The extremely passionate people ion this fucking film???? This movie so weird.

Anyway it' sjust very fucking pretty. it's technically spectacular. It's.... really.

Good?

Oh my god I finished the rainbow dissolve. It. The return to 2D for the entire world, but then the 3D overlay glitching on Bugs as he continues to die in spite of the world he saved returnign to life i

What the fuck i

This is really good what the shit

DON'T YOU THAT'S ALL FOLKS ME YOU 

Oh wow

I. I was. Like. I was going to comment on the Christ visuals but it seems a bit much to literally say "this is just a really compelling Jesus narrative honestly and it's good to see Bugs Bunny getting to ascend to godhood as he so richly deserves" but then like.

The movie just looked me dead in the eye and said, "Bugs Bunny is Jesus Christ, Triumphant (and also Neo)."


Haha, Space Jam 2 said Neo is trans (2).

Also I am like. More hype for Matrix Resurrection than I was yesterday.

When asked if Bugs Bunny died, this movie really did just look us in the eye and say, "I dunno did Neo"

Haha 12 year olds don't know how to drive yet so you really can just take them to a whole different summer camp and they have no ass fucking idea and that is just. So fucking funny to me.

I like that E3 game camp is still on even though like 300,000 people nearly died in a video game earlier this week. Sword Art Online ass fucking univ

OH SHIT THIS MOVIE LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID "I DON'T KNOW IF NEO DIED AT THE END BUT SURPRISE, BUGS BUNNY LIVED, BITTTTTCCCCCHHHHHHH"

So. That happened. Wow I am. I am so exhausted. It took me.... 4 or 5 hours to watch this movie?

Christ.

I am going to sleep fuck yeah dude.
 

Comments

[leahandillyana]

Is there a way we could help?

[hellofriendsiminthedark]

Please come hang out on DW, everybody here is so much more chill and not absolutely feral to destroy each other 24/7. We have nuance and chronological reading pages.

[zenolalia]

I will keep trying, but it's... like. It's bizarrely demoralizing to keep making all these posts about FFXIV (my current special interest for the last 3 years) and no one cares no one wants to talk about this game which is supposedly the single most popular piece of media on earth right now, and yet I remain... isolated.

I just. I dunno, I miss having things in common with people I guess. It was nice. I don't know where (if) the FFXIV fandom exists on here or how to find it or anything about it and I certainly don't have the time/energy/stability to try and develop such a space myself. Holy shit, I barely managed to get out of bed at all today.

It all just leaves me feeling angry, alone, and ready to commit arson. I wrote so many excruciating essays about this exact scenario once the sex-bans started going from shitty teens fantasizing about authoritarianism, to actual bans on previously public platforms and boy howdy. Living through it is exactly as miserable and near lethal as predicted.

I just want to talk about my toy...

[hellofriendsiminthedark]

Yeah, that's fair. It's a lot harder to find and connect with people nowadays, even for supposedly popular stuff, especially since a massive amount of fannish community has been moving into private spaces like discord.

There's a general Final Fantasy fandom discord that may or may not be suitable, plus an r/ffxiv server. At a glance, pumpkinlumpin, althea_valara, and pyjamaenzel also seem like they've posted fannish stuff about FFXIV fairly recently.

Unfortunately I don't know anything about Final Fantasy myself, but I hope you figure out where all the shill folks are hiding soon.